


Deep Burn Blue

by serafina19



Series: Let me in [1]
Category: The Gifted (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-16 08:39:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16082501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafina19/pseuds/serafina19
Summary: As John returns to Headquarters with Clarice, they start to recognize the loneliness that hides beneath the surface in the other. Takes place during 1x07.





	Deep Burn Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Every now and then, I start writing stuff during my coffee breaks based on the latest song I have stuck in my head. This is the latest, inspired by "Deep Burn Blue" by The Paper Kites. It was supposed to be a separate piece that I posted before the premiere, but similar to "Finding Clarity," this kept expanding and I realized that it could fit in this series. As always, fingers crossed this turned out.

For John, being alone never felt like a long-term option. From the military to activism to the Underground, even in the quiet moments, people were always around. However, he understood the appeal of relying on yourself to survive. In a lot of ways, it was an easier to live, as no one can let you down, betray or abandon you. Even if it usually led to a lack of trusting others, to building walls, that was a pretty low price to pay for survival.

The only issue was that the walls never hid everything. In fact, there has always been something in her eyes that showed hints of what she suppressed for years. This was clinched when she claimed a jelly doughnut was what she loved most, but it wasn’t his place to force her to talk about the people she left behind. Now that he knew about her foster family, not to mention what Sentinel Services did to them, he doesn’t blame her silence. 

It was devastating to see the aftermath, to feel her collapse against him when she saw the blood in the kitchen and realized the truth. From day one, Clarice had always played it tough, even when things weren’t going her way. In those moments though, she let it all go and for that period of time, everything else disappeared because he had to be strong for her. As hard as it was seeing the blood, the thing John cared about the most was that she wasn't facing this alone.

Plus, she was coming back with him, which was something. This was far from what he planned, and he berated himself for feeling a sense of relief when she got in the truck, but this was life now. John needed this.

As he drove back to headquarters, he felt tempted to talk about what they saw, to help her grieve, but her eyes didn’t seem to glance his way. Instead, Clarice focused on scanning the road ahead, the green spaces that lined the paved surface. Eventually, he got the hint and paid more attention to the road because the last thing he wanted was to either make her uncomfortable or to take advantage of her vulnerability. Silence was likely her normal for a long time, since people rarely accepted her for who she was, so he could oblige her this courtesy for now.

Actually, the more he thought about it, her resolve to be a ghost thanks to that treatment from others, and not a troublemaker, was admirable. After all, she had seemed to rely on her ability before to go place to place without leaving a trace or impact. That combination should have led to her turning to the dark side, but even after what Sonya did, somehow, Clarice decided to officially join their fight.

Maybe that was because that concept had failed at headquarters. Clarice wasn’t there long, but she had left a mark. Or at least, she did on him. While she had almost destroyed everything, she had also saved his life. Unfortunately, in doing so, they gave her a damn good reason to leave.

However, she had let him help, she had let John see a more vulnerable side of her and didn’t run away afterwards. Granted, her walls were back up now, but that was okay. He didn’t want to push his luck, so John focused on his own feelings about what he saw.

That part of what they did, it never got easier. The idea that innocent people were being hunted and judged made his blood boil at times. The fact that this held a personal connection to Clarice only made it worse, but unfortunately, changing the past wasn’t one of his abilities. On second thought, considering what got them in this mess, maybe that was for the best.

From here, maybe he could back up the words he told her and make her realize that her place with the team was bigger than she realized. Even if she couldn’t see it, her abilities were only a part of what made her valuable. She was a hard worker, more than willing to pull her weight around the house and she had a knack of helping the kids relax. Of course, her abilities would also be an important part of the next round of battles they faced, but right now, John wasn’t sure how to phrase that in a way that didn’t sound like he wanted to use her.

At this point, he was becoming desperate to do whatever was necessary to save one of the few connections he had from his old life, but Pulse was far from his mind when he turned off the truck at headquarters. After his head hit the headrest, he waited for the passenger door to open. When it didn’t, he looked her way, tempted to say something to break the spell in the car.

The words were never right though, so Clarice got out, grabbing her stuff from the back before heading slowly towards the front steps. It didn’t take long for him to catch up, but right before he does, he felt himself begrudgingly grin at this situation.

This was a long journey and the result took out a lot of both of them, her especially. However, if John had learned anything in his time trying to lead this team, it was to learn to take the small victories. And no matter what happened from here, even if he had no influence on her decision to come back, the fact was that she was back. He had done what he had set to do.

Or at least, that was the reason he used to explain the relief for why she returned. The next time they locked eyes at the top of the stairs inside, part of him started to speculate other reasons. They echo in his mind as they reached the midpoint of the stairs, so he stopped and watched her walk away. Right before he moves to follow her, he heard Sonya call his name. As he watched her run up the other side, John started to believe that things could go back to the way they were.

Yet as he followed Sonya down the stairs, even as his expression stayed intact, deep down, he knew it was never going to be that simple.

 

**~0~**

 

Since the day they met, it was rare to see him alone, but when he was, there was something different about him. For some reason, certain kinds of silence affected him, brought out a side of him that many people didn’t acknowledge. Clarice first thought she was imagining things, but seeing the way that John turned off the vehicle at headquarters changed that.

She waited for him to say something now that he wasn’t driving, but nothing came out. That might be for her benefit, as no doubt he was trying not to say the wrong thing now that she had returned to headquarters. But as the silence dragged, she found that she couldn’t sit in this vehicle any longer. Maybe he could handle it, but Clarice couldn't, nor did she want to press her luck and listen to whatever he had been holding in since they left the house.

While most people talked to others during a grieving period, that wasn’t her preference. The fresh air was a good start, the freedom to move the hair behind her ears so she didn’t have to hide her face. When the other door still hadn’t opened, Clarice moved to get her bag from the back and glanced through the back window as she adjusted the straps on her shoulders. For a second, she wondered what was going through his head, why he was still in the car. The moment passed quickly though, because it wasn’t like she was much help in that area. Even if she envied the connections that he seemed to rely on, the way that he could say a few things to make them better, she knew it wasn’t for her.

Or at least, it wasn’t before. As she stared ahead at headquarters, it was hard to say. There were good people here. Some people she actually liked, while there were also others she wouldn’t trust any time soon. But John? He will always be a bit interesting to her.

The losses pile up, but he doesn't unload with his closest friends, the person Clarice assumed he's with. So the tired sadness she often saw in his eyes wasn't a surprise. Nor was the silence during the ride back to headquarters. She did notice the odd glance her way, but she always timed looking back when he had to focus on the road. All it took was two or three looks to convince her of what she already knew. He took what happened to Carl and Denise hard, much harder than she anticipated.

There was a particular moment in the kitchen when he wrapped his arms around her that had stuck with her ever since leaving the house. For a second, his body tensed in a way she didn’t expect. Clarice didn’t think much of it initially, maybe that was his way of telling her to get a grip, to be the person he knew. Then no words accompanied the action and the tension disappeared as fast as it came. From there, the truth started to become clearer.

He did a good job of hiding it initially, as he was better at pushing his anger back than most people she knew. Outside the house, John was back to his usual self, as he went through the motions of comforting her, saying that it wasn’t her fault, which was a ridiculous notion. Sweet, but still ridiculous. Still, she let him think he had convinced her since they would always to agree to disagree on that matter. Besides, only one thing mattered at that moment.

She had changed her mind. She was coming back.

Clarice didn’t like that he had seen her break before getting to that realization, but luckily, John didn’t take long to show her a more vulnerable non-verbal side to his personality. It wasn’t conscious, that was easy to see based on how hard he had clutched the wheel at times. Then again, considering how frequently he experienced devastation and death, she realized that this must have been pretty tough on him, especially when technically, this was a win.

It wasn’t a clean win and it wasn’t probably wasn’t achieved the way he intended, but she had been around John long enough to know wins were rare. That had to mean something. She also better understood that he meant everything he said before, which allowed the drive to go by faster. It also helped that he hadn’t pushed her to open up yet, as she wasn’t ready for that. So she had spent the majority of the drive looking out the window, hoping to find peace in her own way so maybe she had a chance to turn the page when they got back to headquarters.

Unfortunately, upon taking that first step inside, Clarice quickly remembered the reasons she left and why John should have been the second last person to convince her to come back here.

Yet when they shared one last look before going down the stairs, despite her best intentions, she started to analyze the way he was looking at her. She wasn’t entirely sure of her expression, but this moment felt like something, as it took Clarice until now to realize that this trip had done more than convince her to come back. It also gave her real memories with John, this had a real impact on their, well, whatever they were.

It sounded silly, as these were the final moments before life as they knew it continued. Not to mention the last time she wondered about this only brought trouble, which was the last thing she wanted. However, that didn’t stop Clarice from listening for the echo of John’s steps behind her when she walked down the rest of the steps. When she was greeted with silence, she wasn’t sure what to think, especially since she could feel John staring at her back. When she reached the bottom step, she felt tempted to turn around, to see what he would do, but upon hearing Sonya say his name, she kept walking. That was one reunion Clarice had no interest in seeing, not when her head could fill in too many blanks already.

As she got further from the stairs, she wanted the trip to fade, to forget about Carl and Denise and her guilt about what happened to them. She also wanted to forget the good moments with John, since those did her no good here. Of course, just like the memory, none of it faded. On the plus side, at least these memories are hers, but they don't take away the fact that the implanted memory made everything tough between her and John. Leaving was supposed to be the solution, but that hadn't worked, so she would have to learn how to live with him.

She took a deep breath as she rounded the corner, almost smacking right into Marcos. He welcomed her back, said it was good to see her, to which she merely grinned back before he ran off to do whatever he was doing before.

It wasn’t quiet in the house, as people were walking all around her and their discussions filled the air with a certain buzz. Somehow, that managed to amplify a few moments in her head. It was easier to bury the moment in the kitchen. As frustrated as it made Clarice, she knew if she focused on that long enough, she would risk breaking again and that wasn’t an option where she was currently walking.

That left her with her current situation, with a particular line that John said.

_The Underground needs you._

If he meant that literally, she was struggling to see what she had that they would find that valuable. She wasn’t a wizard, heck, she wasn’t even a real role model considering her past. Most days, she couldn’t control her powers in stressful situations and there was still a fair amount of fear in her life. Then again, most of that fear happened when she was in the field. When she was here, there was a feeling of safety that she wished she could ignore because that path led right back to John and the real question. Did he not mean that literally?

Clarice had gone through plenty, but nothing sucked more than the fleeting feelings from a past that wasn't hers. It especially sucked because John was a decent person who went out of his way to support her, to not pass judgement when her walls came down, to work with her to become stronger, even as she continued to withhold her share of secrets from the team.

In other words, he accepted her, which made things frustratingly confusing. Or, as he so eloquently put it:

_It's complicated._

The worst part of him saying that was that it meant she wasn’t crazy, that _it_ , these feelings she has, they weren’t nothing. But to acknowledge them as something didn't help because it's not the clearest term.

But she knew that continuing to wander aimlessly through the house wasn’t going to solve anything, especially since she hadn’t eaten in hours. Food wasn’t five stars here, but at least that would be one less problem in her head, and like him, Clarice would take whatever wins she could get.

 

**~0~**

 

He barely heard Clarice enter the kitchen, as she walked over to one of the cupboards and grabbed a granola bar without addressing him. As John turned his body to face her, to his surprise, she did the same. In that moment, he wanted to ask how she was doing, but he knew that question wouldn’t accomplish what he wanted. Not to mention that she seemed to have anticipated the question, as she started tugging the inside of her bottom lip with her teeth and her breathing had become apprehensive as the stare continued. So even though he opened his mouth, instead of speaking the words, he gave her a small smile and turned back.

As he focused back on the soup he’s cooking, John rolled his eyes. She was still standing there and as the seconds tick by, he wished that he had a better solution, especially after what they had just gone through together. However, he also knew he had done everything he could for her at this point. Normally, being supportive and providing the silence that she needed wouldn’t have been enough for him, and he wanted to do more, but Clarice also has to want the help. So he stayed quiet, hoping that would show her that she could come to him when she was ready.

 

**~0~**

 

Of all of the things that she expected John to do, the smile he gave her was not on the list. Sure, he was more emotionally reserved compared to the other leaders at headquarters, but he could still give a damn good pep talk and it certainly felt like she were due for one.

When he didn’t, and he turned his head, Clarice should have felt relieved at the easy out, but her feet wouldn’t move. Instead, she watched the way he dipped his head, the way that his hair obscured much of his face as he stirred the pot. Suddenly, she started thinking about his perspective, about the pieces of the story she had ignored.

She knew that he was cautious about what he tells her and about what he doesn’t tell her. She knew he didn’t want her to leave. She saw the impact the losses have on him and remembered the way that he looked at her sometimes. Then today, whether or not he wanted to, he did allow her to see his side of things, something she hadn’t considered since leaving headquarters. That was when she remembered his conviction to save his friend, despite the damage Pulse had caused, the likelihood that the person he remembered no longer existed.

Clarice may not know him well, but she knew all that didn’t matter to John. What did were the simple facts. His friend was in trouble, she were a key part of helping him and she left. He didn’t blame her for that, which was nice, but at least now, she was starting to understand the desperation that got him to lie about Sonya’s interference.

Part of her wished that he would have lied about knowing about it during their initial confrontation, because maybe this would have been avoided. But that wasn’t his style. He wasn’t the type to lie in a situation like that and he had to appear strong because he wanted her to see that he believed in her. Even though her powers weren’t likely strong enough to help them find the answers they needed to bring Pulse back to his senses, all John really needed was to know was that chance was there.

As she took all that in, her breathing started to become shaky, so she took another deep breath, even though it revealed to him that she was still standing there. Granted, knowing him, he already knew. Yet she still doesn’t turn around to avoid what she figured was coming next, mostly because the silence wasn’t making her feel any better. It was actually starting to feel like it was suffocating her, which was crazy because for years, she thrived in silence. It was the very thing she wanted when she got back to headquarters.

_Things hadn’t changed that much, right?,_ she thought.

Not wanting to think about that answer for too long, she whirled around, not wanting to risk him seeing this realization on her face. She didn’t even care if someone else did, since she was standing in the doorway, but she knew that she couldn’t handle his reaction right now. Not when he had already seen too much.

As she looked up, she took note of some of the people who lived here. The view of the house from the kitchen wasn’t great, but she could still recognize how these people worked together because they wanted the same thing. They wanted the same thing as she did and for some reason, they thought she could be helpful.

Her expression softened as she thought about John tracking her down. She intentionally didn’t leave much of a trail, but he still found her. No matter how murky things were between them, he really saw value in her, enough to risk his life to leave the sanctuary of headquarters alone to find her. He was always committed to helping her, especially when she didn’t want it and despite the unfortunate answers that came with finding that road, she was glad to have those answers.

Sure, she was still grieving and it hurt like hell to close her eyes and remind herself of the injustice of what happened, but that was why she had come back. This _was_ her fight, so something had to give and she had an inkling that he was waiting for her to take that step.

 “Thank you,” she whispered, a feeble attempt at communication, but as the tears started to form in her eyes, those are the only words she could speak. She wasn’t sure that he heard it, but before she lifted her foot to leave the kitchen, she heard his reply.

“You’re welcome.”

As the stove clicked off, she felt something click inside her too, so she wiped her eyes before turning to look at him once more. Sure enough, John was looking right at her, except this time, she started to see something new in his eyes. Somehow, she found the courage to smile a bit, to show that she meant the words she spoke. When he smiled back, the air seemed to lighten up, allowing her to feel okay about finally leaving the kitchen.

After a couple of steps, she opened up her granola bar and took a bite. What just happened, Clarice knew it wasn’t much, but for her, it felt like an important step in the right direction.

 

**~End~**

 


End file.
